Stealing Away

Well, at least, trying to steal away….

I forgot to pick up mayo at the grocery store yesterday afternoon. The hubs and eldest boy need it for their sandwiches for lunch tomorrow. The reason I forgot to get the mayo yesterday is that I had my sister, my daughter and my youngest son with me and I cannot think unless I’m shopping alone. Even with a list, it’s just crazy trying to concentrate! The kids are constantly asking for something. Constantly. Even when I tell them not to ask for anything, they can’t resist.

Items requested yesterday: bubbles, gum drops, chocolate truffles, chili-flavored ramen noodles, soda, quilted gloves on clearance, toy airplanes, Barbie dolls, snack cakes, Kosher chicken noodle cups, yogurt, Swiss cheese, potato chips, Lucky Charms and a spaghetti sauce seasoning packet–and those are only the items I remember.

So I walked through the store sounding like a broken record: “No, no, no, no. Not today. Nope, sorry! Not today. No. Not now. No, no, no. Maybe next time. NO!”

And it wasn’t just the kids distracting me. My sister and I get into a crazy state of mind when we shop together. As my dad has often said, we giggle all the time. So we were goofing off — laughing at the terrible music, singing along, laughing at the next crazy thing my child asked for, laughing at how many times I had to say no. Cracking jokes over the stuff on clearance. You get the picture. Self-created Distraction City.

SO. Anyway. Back to the mayo.

I just really, really did NOT want the kids to go with me tonight. This time I was going to Target, and taking the kids with me to Target feels like shooting myself in the foot. That is MY haven. That’s where I wander the aisles alone and take my time. It’s rare that you’ll find me dragging my brood along to Target.

The kids have radar-ears that pick up on even the faintest whisper that I’m leaving the house. So to avoid the loud choruses of, “I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO! I WAANNNNT TOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and the youngest’s inevitable tears at being told “no”, I sent my husband a text.

“Hey, so I’m gonna casually sneak out and go get you some mayo.”

(Just call us Mr. and Mrs. Romance for sending such racy convos to one another.)

He gave me a silent “thumbs-up” from across the room. I went back to change shirts, and he slipped into the bedroom to tell me that our eldest needed picking up after I went to Target.

Great, I thought. There goes my leisurely stroll through the store. But hey, at least I was getting half an hour alone. I picked up my purse as Donnie redirected Jonah to play with trains, so he wouldn’t see me leave, slipped on my flip-flops, quietly opened the back door and then — heard Violet say, “Mom–where are you going? I want to go!”

BUSTED.

“I just have to go pick up Zach,” I said, “I’ll be back in a bit!”

And mean mother that I am, I breezed out the door and into the minivan, and waved cheerily to her sad little face looking out the window as I backed out of the drive.

I know. I’m terrible. I feel guilty now. I just had to have that half-hour alone, y’all. I just had to.

So I cruise around Target, getting the mayo and a couple of other items I remembered we needed, and it would’ve been fun if my eldest hadn’t called me three times wanting to know where I was.

Now, before you really decide I’m a horrible person and call DFACS on me, he was the one who decided on an impromptu outing, and then decided he was too tired to walk back home. He was with a friend. So it wasn’t like I was abandoning him after an appointment or something. But I didn’t quite have any reason to be in an uber-hurry to fetch him, either.

So, there you have it: stealing away, mom-style. It’s not very effective, is it?