Living in Grace

I’m thankful for moments when God reveals the depth of His precious grace; when you realize how much you’ve been living under it and you didn’t even know.

I had such a moment yesterday at the rheumatologist’s office. Since 2004, I’ve been battling an autoimmune disease. I wrote about the history of it in this post a few years ago. Having Jonah seemed to reset something, and my symptoms haven’t been anywhere near as bad since conceiving him. Even in that post I just linked, when I was having a rough day, it only lasted day or two. I’ve only had a few short-lived flares since January 2009, which is a huge contrast to life before Jonah, when I lost days, weeks, and even once, a few months to nearly debilitating symptoms.

I’ve truly been so grateful that it hasn’t been that bad anymore.

Because I’ve felt better, I haven’t been seeing the rheumatologist every few months like I used to. As a matter of fact, when I went yesterday, I was shocked to realized that it’d been 14 months since I’d been. I probably wouldn’t have scheduled this appointment, either, except that I need a note from her before the health department will give me the yellow fever vaccine I need for Uganda.

After reviewing the arthritis panel my primary care doctor did recently, and the blood work she did on me last year, she said she’s surprised that I’m feeling as good as I am.

Apparently, finally, after so many years in limbo without a real diagnosis, there are enough factors meshing to call it lupus. And all the inflammation markers they look for were so elevated, she said it several more times: “I really am shocked you’re feeling so well. I don’t understand how it is that you’re not in a lot of pain.”

As I drove home, it struck me to realize how much grace God has extended me. Heaven knows, life has been so stressful this year — I haven’t written about many of the issues we’ve had to deal with. But just the adoption alone has been a huge source of stress. All for good reason, of course, but as stress is a major trigger for autoimmune disease flares, it truly is a miracle that I have been doing so well.

Especially now that I’ve been shown physical proof that the opposite should be true.

I was listening to this song on the way home, and the lyrics keep repeating in my mind:

“For You alone are worthy,

And You are always good.

Though the world sees and soon forgets

We will not forget who You are and what You’ve done for us.”

He knows the strength I’ve needed this year, and will continue to need for what’s ahead. And it boggles my mind to hear a doctor tell me that I should not feel this strong, that I should not feel this healthy.

Some things truly only make sense through faith.